The Etiquettes Of Marriage And Wedding

What to say at the time of making Love

When a Muslim man is about to enter his wife, he should always say first:

“ Bismillahi, Allâhumma jannibnâ ash-shaitân, wa jannib ash-shaitân mâ razaqtanna [In the name of Allâh, O Allâh, keep us away from the devil, and keep the devil away from that which You may grant us (ie. offspring).] About this, the Prophet ﷺ said: “After that, if Allâh decrees that they will have a child, the devil will never be able to harm that child”. [al-Bukharî] [1]

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1.. [Some Scholars say that children are disobedient to their parents usually because the parents forget/forgot to say the above duâ before having sex. Ed. of Salaf-us-Salih Page]

How he should come to her

It is allowed for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her vagina from any direction he wishes – from behind or from the front. About this Allâh revealed the following verse:

“Your wives are a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will” [al-Baqarah 2:223]

There are also various hadîth on this subject, of which I will give only 2:

1.. On the authority of Jâbir who said:

“ “The Jews used to say that if a man entered his wife in the vagina but from behind, their child would be cross-eyed! Then Allâh revealed the verse: “Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will;” [al-Baqarah 2:223]. The Prophet ﷺ said : “From the front or the back, as long as it is in the vagina”. [Al-Bukharî and Muslim]

2.. On the authority of Ibn ‘Abbâs who said:

“ “The Ansâr, who had been polytheists, lived with the Jews, who were people of the book. The former viewed the latter as being superior to them in knowledge, and used to follow their example in many things. The people of the book would only make love to their wives from the side, this being the most modest way for the woman, and the Ansâr had followed their example in that. These people from the Quraish, on the other hand, used to expose their women in an uncomely manner. They took pleasure in them from the front, from the back, or laid out flat. When the Makkans came to al-Madînah at the time of the Hijrah, one of them married a woman from among the Ansâr, and began doing that with her. She disapproved of it and told him: “We used only to be approached from the side, so do that or stay away from me!” This dispute became very serious until it reached the ears of the Prophet. So Allâh, revealed the verse: “Your wives are as a tilth unto you, so approach your tilth when or how ye will;” [al-Baqarah 2:223] (ie. from the front, the back, or laid out flat). What is meant here is the entry which produces children.” [Abû Dawûd, al-Hâkim and others: Hasan isnâd and is supported].

The Prohibition of Sodomy

It is forbidden for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her anus. This is understood from the verse quoted above (i.e. since a “planting ground” can only refer to a place where something might grow), and from the narrations cited above. There are also other hadîth on the subject, among them:

a.. First: On the authority of Umm Salama who said:

“ “When the Muhajirîn came to Ansâr at al-Madînah, some of them married women from the Ansâr. The women of the Muhajirîn used to lie on their faces (during intercourse), while the women of the Ansâr never did it that way. Then, one of the men of the Muhajirîn wanted his wife to do that. She refused until such time as she could ask the Prophet ﷺ about it. She went to the Prophet ﷺ but was embarassed to ask the question, and so Umm Salama asked him. Then the verse was revealed which says: “Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will;” [al-Baqarah 2:223]. The Prophet ﷺ said: “No! (not any way you wish) Except in one opening! (ie. the vagina)”. [Ahmad, at-Tirmidhî and others : Sahîh]

b.. Second: On the authority of Ibn ‘Abbâs who said: “‘Umar ibn Al-Khattâb came to the Prophet ﷺ and said:

“ ‘O Messenger of Allâh ﷺ, I am destroyed!’ The Prophet asked: ‘And what has destroyed you, O ‘Umar?’ ‘Umar said: `I turned my mount around last night.’ (An expression which means he has sexual intercourse with his wife penetrating the vagina while mounting her from the rear.) The Prophet ﷺ gave him no answer and when the revelation came and the verse was revealed which says: “Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will;” [al-Baqarah 2:223] and the Prophet ﷺ said: “From the front and from the back, just beware of her anus and her menses”. [an-Nasâ’î in “`Ishratun-Nisâ” with hasan isnâd, at-Tirmidhî and others].

c.. Third: On the authority of Khuzaima ibn Thâbit who said:

“ “A man asked the Prophet ﷺ about entering women in the rear, or the entering by a man of his wife in her rear, and the Prophet ﷺ answered: `Halâl (ie. permissible).’ When the man turned to leave, the Prophet ﷺ called him or ordered for him to be called back and said : “What did you say? In which of the 2 openings did you mean? If what you meant was from her rear and in her vagina, then yes. But if what you meant was from her rear and in her anus, then no. Verily Allâh is not ashamed of the truth – do not enter your wives in their anuses!” [as-Shâfi, al-Baihaqi and others: Sahîh]

d.. Fourth:

“ “Allâh does not look at one who comes to his wife in her anus”. [an-Nasâ’î: Hasan isnâd and supported in “al-‘Ishrah”; at-Tirmidhî and Ibn Hibbân].

e.. Fifth:

“ “Cursed are those who come to their wives in their anuses.” [Abû Dawûd, Ahmad and others with hasan isnâd and is supported].

f.. Sixth:

“ “Whoever has sexual intercourse with a menstruating woman, or a woman in her anus, or approaches a soothsayer and believes what he is told has disbelieved in that which was revealed to Muhammad ﷺ. [Abû Dawûd, at-Tirmidhî and others: Sahîh].

Making Wudhû’ between 2 acts with one’s wife

When a Muslim man has had sexual intercourse with his wife in the legal manner and then wishes to return another time, he should first perform wudhû’, based on the statement of the Prophet ﷺ:

“ “When one of you comes to his wife and then wishes to return another time, let him perform wudhû’ between the 2 times (In another version, the same wudhû’ which he performs for prayer) for verily, it will invigorate his return.”[Muslim, Ibn Abi Shaibah and others].

Bathing is preferable

Bathing, however, is preferable to merely making wudhû’ in such situations. Abu Râfi’ narrates: “That the Prophet ﷺ made the rounds of all his wives one night, bathing in the house of each one. He (i.e. the narrator) asked the Prophet ﷺ:

“ “Couldn’t you have just bathed once (i.e. at the end)? The Prophet ﷺ answered : “This way is purer, cleaner and better”. [Abû Dâwûd, an-Nasâ’î: Hasan in “al-‘Ishrah”, and others].

The Bathing of Husband and Wife together

It is permissible for the husband and wife to bath together in the same place even though he sees her private parts, and she sees his. This is established by a number of authentic hadîth, among them: 1.. On the authority of ‘Â’ishah (radiAllâhu anha) who said:

“ “I used to bathe with the Prophet ﷺ from a single container of water which was placed between us such that our hands collided inside it. He used to race me such that I would say: `Leave some for me, leave some for me!’ She added: `We were in a state of Janaba (i.e. the state of having slept together).'”[Al-Bukharî and Muslim].

2.. On the authority of Mu’âwiya ibn Haida, who said:

“ “I said: `O Messenger of Allâh ﷺ, which of our nakedness is allowed, and of which must we beware?’ The Prophet ﷺ answered, “Guard your nakedness except from your wife or those whom your right hand possesses.” (So it is permissible for both spouses to look at and touch the body of his or her companion even the private parts). He said: `O Messenger of Allâh ﷺ, what about if the relatives live together with each other?’ The Prophet ﷺ answered : “If you can make sure that no one ever sees your nakedness, then do so.” He said: `O Messenger of Allâh, what about when one is alone?’ The Prophet ﷺsaid: “Allâh is more deserving of your modesty than are the people”.”[Ahmad, Abu Dawûd, at-Tirmidhî and others: Sahîh].

Making Wudhû’ after Sex and before Sleeping

It is best for husband and wife not to sleep after having sex until they first perform wudhû’. There are various hadîth about this, among them:
a.. First: On the authority of ‘Â’shah who said:

“ “Whenever the Prophet ﷺ wished to sleep or eat while in a state of Janaba (i.e. after having sex and before bathing), he would wash his private parts and perform wudhû’ as for prayer.” [Al-Bukhârî and Muslim].

b.. Second: On the authority of Ibn ‘Umar who said:

“ “O Messenger of Allâh ﷺ, should we go to sleep in a state of janaba?” The Prophet ﷺ answered: “Yes, after making wudhuu.” [Al-Bukhârî and Muslim]. In another version: “Perform wudhû’ and wash your private parts, and then sleep.” [Al-Bukhârî and Muslim]. And, in another version: “Yes, you can perform wudhû’, sleep, and bathe whenever you want.” [Muslim and al-Baihaqi]. And, in still another version: “Yes, and perform wudhû’ if you wish.” (This last version proves that this wudhû’ is not obligatory.) [Ibn Khuzima and Ibn Hibban: Sahîh].

c.. Third: On the authority of ‘Ammâr ibn Yâsir, the Prophet ﷺ said:

“ “There are three which the angels will never approach: The corpse of a disbeliever; a man who wears perfume of women; and, one who has had sex until he performs wudhû’.” [Abu Dawûd, Ahmad and others: Hasan].

The Ruling of this Wudhû

This wudhû’ is not obligatory, but is very highly and definitely commendable. This (i.e. its not being obligatory) is based on the hadîth narrated by ‘Umar in which he asked the Prophet ﷺ: “Should we go to sleep in a state of janaba?” To which the Prophet ﷺ answered: “Yes, and perform wudhû’ if you wish.” [Ibn Hibbân: Sahîh]. This is also supported by other hadîth , among them a hadîth narrated by ‘Â’ishah who said: “The Prophet ﷺ used to sleep in a state of janaba without having touched water, until he would get up later and bathe.” [Ibn Abi Shaiba, at-Tirmidhî, Abu Dâwûd and others: Sahîh].

In another version narrated by ‘Â’ishah , she said:

“ “He used to spend the night in a state of janaba until Bilal came in the morning to make the adhân. Then, he would get up, bathe while I looked at the water dripping from his head, and go out. Then, I would hear his voice in the Fajr prayer. Then, he would remain fasting.” Mutarrif said: “I said to Âmir: In the month of Ramadhân?” He said: “Yes, in Ramadhân and in other than Ramadhân.” [Ibn Abi Shaiba, Ahmad and others: Sahîh].

Making Tayammum in a state of Janaba instead of Wudhû

It is also permissible to make Tayammum sometimes instead of wudhû’ before sleeping. This is based on a hadîth of ‘Â’ishah in which she said:

“ “When the Prophet ﷺ was in a state of janaba and wished to sleep, he used to make wudhû’ or Tayammum.” [Al-Baihaqi: Hasan]

Bathing before Sleeping is Perferable

Bathing however, is perferable to any of the above-mentioned possibilities as is clear in the hadîth of `Abullâh ibn Qais who said: “I asked ‘Ai’ishah :

“ “What did the Prophet ﷺ do when in a state of janaba? Did he bathe before sleeping or sleep before bathing?” She answered: “He did all of those things. Sometimes he bathe and then slept. And sometimes he performed wudhû’ and then slept.” I said: “Praise be to Allâh who made things flexible.”[Muslim, Ahmad and Abu `Auwâna].

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